‘I’m done with all the losers Kat.’ Janine grunts out, pushing the weights above her head. Sweat runs in rivers down her toned back and over her pert butt.
‘I need to find myself a man, no… a husband now.’
‘They aren’t just standing on street corners holding a sign.’ Kat pushes in unison with Janine, they encourage each other, entirely oblivious to the appreciative glances by the men and some women in the gym.
‘There has to be a few somewhere…’
‘They are gay or married.’ Kat brushes the sweat off her lip with the back of her hand. ‘Although there are the newly divorced?’ Raised eyebrows.
‘There’s got to be reason they are divorced.’
‘Hmmmm…’
The women finish their workout, sipping on smoothies they plan their attack.
‘OK so you want a husband? Not just a one-night stand or a close relationship? What is husband material?’ Kat sips thoughtfully. ‘Let’s make a list.’
‘Not another bloody list? Its all you do.’ Kat laughs, pulling out her pink notebook and feathery pen, the well-chewed back goes straight into her mouth.
‘So… 1. Good-looking. 2. Healthy. 3. Of sober habits. Stop me anytime…’ Kat laughs.
‘I’m loving this.’
‘4. No baggage. 3 ex-wives for example.’
‘BIG red flag.’
‘5. Wealthy.’
‘At least comfortable.’ Kat nods.
‘6. Nice home. 7. Good car. What else? Big shlong?’ Janine chokes on her smoothie.
‘That’s a yes.’
‘I reckon we need to get to 10.’ Janine laughs, still coughing. ‘That’s a round number. We can then allow for 1 or 2 points that they don’t have?’ She raises her eyebrows. The pen is back in Kat’s mouth.
‘Agreed. So what are the last 2?’
’9. Successful? At his job?’
‘That’s a grey area. He can be an entrepreneur or have made his millions inventing some cyber code or something. So how do we define success?’ Chewing.
‘Let’s just say “Successful” we don’t have to define it more than that?’ Janine nods.
’10? Should relate to how sociable he is, maybe.’
‘Let’s recap. 1. Good-looking, 2. Healthy, 3. Of sober habits, 4. No baggage, 5. Wealthy, 6. Nice Home, 7. Good car, 8. Big shlong, 9. Successful and 10. Has great friends.’
‘I love it. So now what?’
‘Dating site.’ Kat continues ignoring Janine’s horrified face.
‘Now – I’ve tried “Don’t be Alone” and “Get some!”. They vary between soppy, weak men and horny assholes. So we need to spice up a “Don’t be Alone” profile and tone down a “Get some!’ profile.’
‘How? I’ve never…’
‘I’m dam good at this.’ Kat waves a hand at Janine.
‘Yet you’re single.’
‘I like to play the field. This…” Kat runs her hands down her body ‘cannot be tamed. At the very least we are going to get you laid. And by December hopefully hitched.’
Much clinking of smoothies and laughs later and the plans are made.
Janine clicks through her photos.
‘Nah. No. No. Definitely not, too much skin…’ Finally selecting 3 good photos, Janine leans in to see what Kat is doing, she has no intention of giving her free reign.
‘You have to show SOME boob.’
‘No way, that’s how you get someone called Horny69 wanting to meet you.’ Laughter.
‘I suppose so, but this one?’ Kat tosses it and selects a picture of Janine at a braai. She is laughing with her eyes, its beautiful.
‘Right – let’s throw the hook into the water’ Kat completes the profile making it exciting, honest and blunt.
‘And the list?’ Janine raises her eyebrows.
‘Never post that. You want to make the choice and make sure first. Besides, they may lie about any one of the above so rather find out subtly. I bet that by tomorrow you have 10 dates to choose from.’
The girls couldn’t wait to get to open the app after gym, pushing harder to hit their goals quicker. Armed with broccoli and pineapples smoothies they go through it.
‘What! 11 potential guys want to meet you.’ Janine feels herself blush but is determined to go through with this. Kat will tease her mercilessly if she doesn’t.
‘Now the first thing to watch out for is their profile name…’
‘So no “Horny 69’s”’ Smiles. Janine leans over Kat’s shoulder as she flicks through them.
‘Not husband material, hmm, no way, what!’
‘What’s wrong with him? I understand the guy leaning over his BMW showing his butt, but this guy?’
‘This photo is at least 10 years old, look at his clothes. I bet he arrives at his dates, covered in orange fake tan, too-white teeth and sprayed on hair.’ Janine studies the photo. ‘I think you’re right. I wouldn’t have picked that up.’
‘That’s why you have me.’ The girls go through and decide on the top 3 and Janine makes contact.
‘Lets just go for it. 3 dates this weekend?’ Kat nods, sipping on green sludge.
Janine sets up the dates and the arm-in-arm they plan their attack.
‘Billy is at Wendy’s at 3 for coffee, then Andrew at 7 for drinks at The Pot and Grill. Tomorrow I am seeing James but we haven’t confirmed as yet. I hope this turns out ok.’
‘Don’t forget the list. Oh right, car, house, money…’
‘No. Go from 1 – 1. Good-looking, 2. Healthy, 3. Of sober habits, 4. No baggage, 5. Wealthy, 6. Nice Home, 7. Good car, 8. Big shlong, 9. Successful and 10. Has great friends.’
‘Maybe we should take the shlong bit out. Its going to be a while before I action that one.’ Giggles.
‘Let’s play it by ear. Ok Janine, dive in girl and go fish…’
To be continued…
